


i was free and now i'm not

by ScytheMarieAntoinette



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Driving, M/M, Sad Nico di Angelo, Songfic, for you leafy darling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:15:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29114379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScytheMarieAntoinette/pseuds/ScytheMarieAntoinette
Summary: 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street.
Relationships: Jason Grace/Leo Valdez (mentioned), Past Nico di Angelo/Leo Valdez
Comments: 5
Kudos: 16





	i was free and now i'm not

**Author's Note:**

  * For [leafiest_groves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/leafiest_groves/gifts).



> soooooo i did a thing. a gift to you leafy darling. i hope you enjoy.
> 
> song is driver's license by Olivia Rodrigo

_Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street._

He sharply jerks the wheel to the left, still a bit unused to the feel of the car under and around him. The pedals are different and the seat is cold against his legs. Not to mention the stifling silence that threatens to choke him.

But it’s also freeing to be in a car that’s all his, driving around aimlessly, enjoying the ride. Nothing and no one holding him back. 

He’s got all the time in the world. He wants to waste the gas in the engine, circling a block over and over and over until he’s memorized every single house and its neighbor. 

He wants to race down the highway like a game of Mario Kart, weaving through the lanes and irritating every single driver. 

He wants to honk the horn to the tune of _Let It Go_ and keep honking until someone either tells him to shut the fuck up or recognizes it and honks along with him. 

He wants to push the speed limit so far that every cops’ eye is on him. 

He wants to do all this and more.

It hits him then that in every single plan, his mind has subconsciously included the one person who will never be joining him. 

_I got my driver's license last week_

_Just like we always talked about_

He pushes away the painful memories, pushes away everything. Never mind that the only reason he got his license in the first place was so he could live vicariously with the one person he loved. Never mind that that same person decided to break his heart.

He decides to park for a while. Turning off the engine, he slumps forward, resting his head in his arms. He’ll wait until it’s night, until it’s some ungodly hour and the highway will be empty of cars. Then he can roll down the windows and just _drive._ Pedal to the metal, without anyone or anything slowing him down.

More memories force their way into his head. Chocolate hair that bounces as he bounces. Eyes that seem to glow like the hearth, warm and bright and sparking with mischievous joy. 

No. _Fuck._ He’s gone so long without thinking about him (only a week, really, but to him, it’s forever), why does his brain want to torture him so? _We’re over, it’s done. So, just stop._

He bangs his head hard against the steering wheel. If his mind keeps this up, he’ll break down and he really wants to avoid that. Taking a deep breath, he wills his eyes closed and everything to just fade.

When he wakes it is pitch dark, just how he likes it. His phone screen glares harshly at his face as he checks the time: 2:00 am. _Perfect._ He starts up his car and turns onto the nearest highway. He doesn’t know nor cares where it’ll take him. He just needs to _drive._

The lanes around him are clear, almost eerie against the black of the sky and the ghostly halo of the moon. 

Rolling down the window. Accelerating. 

The wind whips at his face. The cold numbs his bones. And slowly but surely, his mind clears.

And he’s lost, drowning in the pure ecstasy of finally feeling free again.

Until his mind detours. Suddenly, all he can think about is the person who should be next to him, whooping and screaming with exhilaration. But he’s not.

_And you're probably with that blonde girl_

_Who always made me doubt_

_She's so much older than me_

_She's everything I'm insecure about_

_Jason._

Even just saying the name in his head twists his stomach. _Perfect, chiseled, probably-not-even-human Jason._ And for a second, he can understand why his ex-lover would leave him for _Jason._ Compared to that beautiful, blond Adonis, he is nothing. 

A bitter chuckle escapes his throat, swelling until he’s full-on laughing, hysterical as he mocks himself. Resentful tears flow freely down his cheeks. 

_And all my friends are tired_

_Of hearing how much I miss you, but_

_I kinda feel sorry for them_

_'Cause they'll never know you the way that I do_

**_“Nico, you know I love you, but if I hear one more fucking word about him, I swear to gods. I mean, he literally broke your heart! How can you still love him?”_ **

**_“You didn’t know him, Hazel! You didn’t know the way his laugh could fill the whole room. You didn’t know the way everything dulled in comparison to him. You didn’t know the way he lived life, with excitement and confidence and - Nothing was wrong with him. And when I was with him, I was_ ** **free.”**

The conversation echoes, reverberating around his skull. Only now does he pick up on the hints of pity in her words. Gods, is he really so pathetic now that even his own sister is pitying him?

_And I know we weren't perfect_

_But I've never felt this way for no one_

_And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone_

He feels his thoughts slipping, his traitorous mind enveloping him in a flashback. 

**He’s just turned into the cereal aisle when he sees him. With his new boyfriend. They’re giggling at something, holding hands as they argue over whether to get Cheerios or Fruit Loops. And when** **_Jason_ ** **swats the Fruit Loops away and tosses his Cheerios in, he’s swept up into a kiss. They’re so passionate and affectionate, despite being in a public supermarket.**

**He backs away, hurrying into the next aisle over, his chest physically hurting. For a second, he feels like he’s going to die. He** **_wants_ ** **to die. Is this what heartbreak feels like? Like your heart is being ripped from your chest, leaving a jagged hole of agony?**

**Their breakup was so messy and painful. It’s been weeks and he still aches from the loss. And here is his ex-boyfriend, who has already moved on, as if they hadn’t been together for two years, as if they hadn’t loved each other like no other.**

**Tears welling in his eyes, he leaves the supermarket without buying anything.**

When his brain finally lets him stop reminiscing on the past, he looks out past the road to see where he is. His stomach flip-flops. 

_Can't drive past the places we used to go to_

Up ahead there is a freeway overpass. The very one they used to hang out on all the time, sitting on the ledge, hidden behind an exit sign. Where they’d talk and laugh and cry about life. It was their little spot, a bubble where it was just the two of them, alone in their own world. 

_I still hear your voice in the traffic, we're laughing_

_Over all the noise_

**The roar of traffic is deafening. The rumble of all the cars resonates inside him. Sitting here, where one tiny slip can end in death, he’s never felt so alive. He glances at the boy next to him, who’s grinning wildly, tilting his head back to soak up the sun. Then he turns to him.**

**“Cool, yeah?”**

**“So cool.”**

**The grin on his own face is foreign. He’s never smiled so big and wide ever in his life.**

**Suddenly, lips, soft and warm, crash against his own. He’s startled for all of one moment, then leans in, reaching up to tangle his hands in the boy’s hair. His body is so warm, so comforting. He smells like hot chocolate and spices and vaguely smoky. For the first time in his life, he feels genuinely happy.**

**“I love you,” he breathes.**

**The boy laughs, cupping his face with his hands. “I love you, too. I’ll love you forever and ever.”**

He passes under the overpass. He wants to hate him so bad, wants to feel a righteous fury at him. But all he feels is tired and defeated. The fleeting moment of peace he felt at the beginning is long gone. He just wants to go home now. 

_'Cause I still fuckin' love you, babe_

His mind is blank as he takes the next exit. His body works on autopilot. It takes him a while to realize he’s not in his neighborhood. Looking to the left, he sees a painfully familiar house, windows glowing with a warm yellow light. He feels a tug in his gut. It takes everything in him not to slow down. 

He had tried to repress the memories, but it hadn’t worked. Nothing _worked._ Why does it hurt so much? How can it still hurt so much after so long? 

He suppresses a sob as he pulls into his own driveway. His house is as dark and empty as he is.

He used to be alive. Alive and free. Now all he is is cold and trapped and lonely.

Fucking Leo Valdez.

_Yeah, you said forever, now I drive alone past your street_

**Author's Note:**

> a ha ha ha. did you like it?


End file.
